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How to Talk to Your Friends About the R-Word: A Guide for Students and Parents

“Stop being retarded and get your head in the game.”

You wince as you hear your friend Chase say that to you after missing a shot while playing Fortnite.

You nervously laugh off Chase’s outburst, and say you’ll get them next time, but something doesn’t feel right to you.

Your whole life, you’ve seen how upset words like that make your younger brother, who has an intellectual disability, feel.

You’ve seen how much that word still hurts him. You thought that word was finally going away, but more and more, you hear that word being used.

Plus, Chase is popular with everyone at school because his mom and dad buy him new stuff all the time. He went to your birthday. His mom hangs out with your mom.

What should you do? 

Purpose of this Guide:

Spend more than 5 minutes online and you’ll see what many have already noticed: the R-word (retard(ed)) is gaining popularity. From political figures using it in public to major blockbusters like Deadpool & Wolverine sneaking it into the mainstream, the R-word is being used at an alarming frequency. Celebrities like Elon Musk, President Donald Trump, reality star Caitlyn Jenner, and musician Drake have all openly and unapologetically continued to use the word to belittle others.

And the use of the word by celebrities have led to the word skyrocketing in popularity. After Musk used the word “retarded” on his platform X, a study from Montclair State University found that online usage of the slur has tripled.

This resource exists for students of all backgrounds, their parents, and even educators who need to know:

  • Why the R-word is still bad
  • What to do if you hear it
  • How to handle being called the R-word
  • How to discuss the word with your child or students
  • And more.

Spread the Word has been at the forefront in helping the R-word disappear. But we need your help in making sure it doesn’t return full force.

Introduction: Words Have Power

Words are more than just sounds or letters—they carry weight and meaning that can influence how we connect with others. The way we speak to and about people shapes the relationships we build.

"When we use words that uplift, include, and show respect, we foster a sense of belonging and trust," said Dr. Jackie Jodl, Special Olympics Chief Global Youth and Education. "For youth especially, learning how to communicate with kindness and understanding lays the foundation for healthy, positive relationships throughout their lives."

However, when words are used carelessly or with harm, they break down communication and create barriers. These issues happen both in-person and online; 1 in 4 students will be bullied, and 1 in 3 will be cyberbullied.

Bullying is especially prevalent in students with disabilities. Students with disabilities are 2-3 times more likely to be bullied in schools.

The R-word, alongside other racial and gender-based slurs, is quickly becoming more popular.

We have to remember: the language we choose directly impacts how people feel about themselves and their place in the world.

Why is there so much discussion around the r-word?

The "r-word" is a term historically used to describe individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities. Over time, it has become a hurtful slur used to demean or insult others.

While some may use it casually or without malice, its impact can be deeply harmful, perpetuating stigma and reinforcing negative stereotypes.

Addressing the use of the r-word is crucial to fostering an inclusive environment. Everyone deserves to feel respected and valued, no matter their background. This is about more than avoiding a single word; it’s about creating a culture of understanding and empathy.

The History of the R-Word

The r-word began as a medical term used in the early 20th century to describe individuals with intellectual disabilities. Derived from the Latin word retardare, meaning "to slow," it was intended as a neutral, clinical descriptor.

At the time, it was used in educational, medical, and psychological contexts to classify levels of cognitive functioning. While its original intent might not have been derogatory, it quickly became associated with a variety of physical and mental disabilities. With that overuse, it carried negative stereotypes and ultimately led to public misuse in medical, educational, and even government bodies.

That spilled over into everyday language to demean individuals, actions, or ideas deemed foolish or inferior. In the 90s and 2000s, it gained traction in language and became a larger part of pop culture. It was even used as the title track of a popular Black Eyed Peas song to mean “stupid silly.” The r-word seemed like it was everywhere.

However, this shift from a medical term to a slur deeply hurt people with intellectual disabilities and their families—voices often not heard or represented in pop culture. It perpetuatesa stigmas and reinforces harmful stereotypes. What was once seen as a formal term became a source of pain and exclusion for many.

In response, people with disabilities and their advocates have worked tirelessly to eliminate the use of the r-word. Movements like Spread the Word to End the Word have raised awareness about its impact, emphasizing the need for respectful and inclusive language.

Advocacy efforts have led to significant changes, including the introduction of terms like “intellectual disability” to replace outdated and offensive terminology. These changes represent a broader shift toward recognizing the dignity and value of every person, highlighting the power of language to promote understanding and inclusion.

Now, as the word is coming back into prevalence, it’s more important than ever before to understand the history of the r-word to keep it from resurging in everyday use.

Why It’s Important to Talk About the R-Word The Harm It Causes

The r-word carries significant emotional and psychological weight for individuals with disabilities, with one study finding that college students labeled as “mentally retarded” were more likely to be excluded and biased compared to individuals called “a person with an intellectual disability.”

When used as an insult, it reinforces harmful stereotypes, making people feel devalued, excluded, and disrespected. The pain it causes isn’t limited to the person being targeted—it ripples out to their loved ones, who often witness how such language can diminish confidence and self-worth.

For example, someone like Dony Knight, a Special Olympics athlete with an intellectual disability might hear the word used in a mocking tone and feel isolated or unworthy of acceptance.

“When you say the "R" word it makes people feel bad and it hurts my feelings and I don't want to hear you guys say it,” Dony said. “Instead, you can call me a leader, a hero, or a human being, but please don't call me the "R" word.”

Families, too, may struggle with the frustration of knowing their loved one is being unfairly judged or demeaned based on outdated and hurtful language.

“All I want as a parent is for the world to see my child the way I see him,” said Kimber Goodwin, a Special Olympics athlete mother. “He deserves to be valued and respected, and it pains me to think there are instances where he is not.”

What Saying the R-Word Implies About the Person Saying It

As we’ve talked about earlier, the words we use matter to more than the people listening. They also say a lot about us as speakers and communicators.

Using the r-word reflects poorly on the person saying it. People who use the term, even casually, can appear unkind, insensitive, or at best uninformed. Often, its use signals a lack of understanding about the word’s history and the impact it has on individuals with disabilities.

When someone uses thoughtful and respectful language instead, they demonstrate empathy, awareness, and a commitment to treating everyone with dignity.

This shift in language isn’t about political correctness, “cancel culture,” “wokeness” or whatever word gets negatively associated with being a nicer, more inclusive person. It’s about showing compassion and fostering genuine connections with others.

The Bigger Picture

Language shapes the world we live in, and the words we choose can either perpetuate harmful norms or pave the way for a more inclusive and respectful society. Choosing not to use the r-word is a small but powerful step toward creating environments where everyone feels valued and respected.

Proactive, helpful, and positive language sets an example for others, showing that kindness and understanding should guide our interactions. When families, schools, and communities commit to respectful language, they help build a culture that celebrates diversity and recognizes the dignity of all people, regardless of ability.

What to Say When You Hear the R-Word

There are plenty of reasons why it would feel scary to jump in when you hear the R-word being used. Here are some of the main reasons why you might be scared to jump in:

However, research shows that bystanders interfering and/or stopping bullying when they see it is critical for preventing more bullying. This goes for children and adults alike. Stepping in when you see someone in need can often lead to more positive outcomes for all parties than if you didn’t take action at all.

Responses for Students if They Hear the R-Word

Anyone should feel empowered to stand up for kindness and inclusion. While it’s easy for our favorite superheroes to stand up to bad guys, it can feel difficult in the moment for everyday people to take a stand. You can feel like what you say won’t do enough. However, it’s important to remember that it does matter.

Andrea Cahn, Senior Vice President of Unified Champion Schools at Special Olympics, emphasizes the importance of simple, effective ways to address harmful language when they hear it. "When kids hear the R-word, they can say something like:

  • 'Hey, that word isn’t cool.'
  • 'There are so many more interesting ways to say that.'
  • 'Did you know that word can hurt feelings? Can we talk about this in a different way?'
  • ‘Even when you aren’t using the word directly to someone with ID, it still demeans them. I don’t think we want to do that.’

Andrea suggests offering alternatives such as:

  • ‘That is so mindless,’
  • ‘That is so boring, or dull.’
  • 'That doesn’t even make sense.'
  • 'This isn’t clever.’

These small but impactful actions encourage respect and inclusion in everyday conversations.

If a friend refuses to stop using that language, you can step away from that “friend.” Because a friend isn’t a true friend if they’re not willing to stop using language that intentionally hurts others.

If you feel like you’re being hurt by any bullying, reach out to a trusted adult who you feel understands you. This can be a teacher, a parent, a youth group leader, or a coach. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Featured pull quote here with a box around it: “What’s wrong with "retard"? I can only tell you what it means to me and people like me when we hear it. It means that the rest of you are excluding us from your group. We are something that is not like you and something that none of you would ever want to be. We are something outside the "in" group. We are someone that is not your kind. I want you to know that it hurts to be left out here, alone.”
John Franklin Stephens, Special Olympics Virginia athlete and Global Messenger

Constructive Responses for Parents & Teachers

Parents and educators play a vital role in modeling how to address hurtful language with understanding and education. Children (especially those being bullied) look to adults to intervene when bullying occurs.

Some adults say “students need to grow a thicker skin!”

This is fundamentally untrue.

Research shows the lasting harm that bullying has on both the victim and the bully, with bullying victims being 2.7 times more likely to develop serious anxiety compared to other students. Being the victim of bullying puts students at an increased risk for displaying psychotic experiences at age 18 and having suicidal ideation, attempts, and completed suicides.

If you want the best chance for any child to be healthy, happy, and successful, adults have to step in and stand up against bullying. That often includes having discussions with other adults or parents who don’t see the harm in the r-word.

When another adult uses the r-word, responding constructively can open the door to awareness.

How to Guide Another Parent or Adult

No two parents treat their children the same way, but being a parent who instills compassion should be universal. Andrea highlights the importance of approaching conversations about the R-word with empathy, especially when speaking with other parents or adults. "Parenting styles may differ, but compassion is something I think all parents try to instill in their children," Andrea shares. "Start with understanding and share your perspective. For example, you might say:

  • 'I’ve been learning more about the R-word and why it’s considered so offensive to certain groups, especially other parents. I’d love to share what I’ve found; it really opened my eyes.'
  • ‘It is not about banning a word as much as it is about making an informed choice, knowing what it means to use it.’
  • 'This aligns with my efforts to teach my kids that words matter, and avoiding words like the R-word helps everyone feel respected.'

These conversations, rooted in empathy, can make a lasting impact."

While teachers and educators can have rules about language set in place by their respective school districts, the r-word can still slip into personal usage or even in a professional setting among colleagues. In 2010, the Obama administration passed Rosa’s Law which removed the terms “mental retardation” and “mentally retarded” from a variety of legislation—including education. This was quickly applied to other state education legislation.

There are countless other ways educators can describe a student, a situation, or their peers. Teachers should be on the front lines of inclusionary language, but sadly, that’s not always the case.

By using the above approaches, you can also keep the conversation positive and educational, encouraging others to reflect without feeling judged.

An Opportunity for Self-Reflection

Helping others understand why the r-word is harmful often starts with asking questions that encourage thoughtful reflection. Here are some examples both students and parents can use:

  • Questions to Ask a Friend or Peer
    • "Do you know what that word really means?"
    • "Have you ever thought about how that word might make someone feel?"
    • "Why do you think people say we shouldn’t use that word anymore?"

These questions gently invite the other person to consider their language and its impact, sparking meaningful conversations about kindness and respect. Often, people who use the r-word and other exclusionary language don’t have anyone in their lives who is impacted by the language. Spread the Word has tools to showcase the voices of people who are often left voiceless.

Why Spreading the Word is Always Worth It

As we’ve unpacked throughout this guide, the words we choose have the power to shape the way individuals feel, the strength of our relationships, and the inclusivity of our communities.

Saying no to the r-word is a simple yet impactful way to affirm the dignity and worth of every person, especially those with intellectual disabilities.

By addressing this word’s use with empathy and respect, we create opportunities for growth, understanding, and meaningful conversations that bring us closer together. Each time we speak up, we contribute to a kinder, more compassionate world where everyone feels valued.

Even small actions, like encouraging respectful language, can spark significant change. Choosing to take a stand—no matter how seemingly small—helps create a ripple effect of kindness and respect that benefits us all.

You take a breath before turning to Chase.

“Hey man, you don’t get to talk to me like that.”

Chase slowly looks at you.

“Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?”

You hold his stare.

“If you have to call me names to make you feel better about a game, then I don’t think I want to hang out with you anymore,” you say. “Especially calling me the r-word. You know it upsets me because it’s mean to my brother.”

Chase pauses and puts down his controller…“I didn’t realize the hurt it caused… I’m sorry.”